I have not felt guilt like this in a long time. I am a swindler, a lying parotta master. As I try to write here, even my tear ducts fail to successfully produce what they are made for. The emotion is strong enough to make my chest heave and crater everyday, to make my heart feel less and less confident everyday, but it is not enough to make the well of tears overflow.
What is this guilt thing ya? It is the feeling of wanting the company of a great and steady tide, a tide that tugs you towards completion and fulfilment, but your hands and fingers and mind do not cooperate. They constantly disturb the tide, the wave of attention and ethical responsibilities.
These past few weeks in particular have been difficult because my regular schedule has been disrupted by a pseudo sense of work-lessness. Everywhere and with everything, I have been late. With the Constitutional Observer, with Aruvu, with meeting my friends.
‘That is how the world works, no?!’, I heard this from an older friend and mentor this past week. You must always give something, and then receive something, you must give up and break down the ideals of how this world works to receive the gift of capital. You must apply to places you do not like so that you can get new work and pay rent on time.
The sight of the platic wrapped chappathi and kurma, squished and dumped along with other plastic bag bearing organic waste. That is what I see when I try to visualise the lack of any discipline in my thoughts. The chaos of the plastic bag and food, are how my thoughts are.
This week I have seen many different friends and their many different habits. Sweet, unconditional company; expensive celebration; conditional company; and all sorts of mixes. I am realising emotions I have not felt for all of them.
- Aruvu has been facing a series of hacks through our websites, which later resulted in a peer’s compromised laptop. How do people keep in touch with security advisories on every single service you maintain?
- We saw Karuppa, a Surya film, in the theatres after many years. Films have turned into productions for the reel-minds. Minds filled with crazy, stupid, plots. There were a few interesting dilemmas explored, but overall the story was such a let-down.
